Within the last three weeks, I have had 3 CT scans (one under dye with the contrast and IV), been cleared of having had a stroke after the onset of a series of incredibly unusual and worrying symptoms, have been treated for an acute infection (which saw my daily pill count rise to 31 pills for 5 days), had my rheumatologist appointment, my second Pfizer jab, routine bloods and urine tests and a rise to the highest dose of my current immunosuppressant.
I'm tired.
Bone-tired today.
On these days, it's easy to worry about the road ahead.
What happens if this treatment doesn't work?
I've already been prepped by my specialist that I may need to travel hours away and be admitted to a hospital in Sydney to be under her watch. Obviously, this is not something I want to have happen. If I let it worry me, this could keep me awake at night.
What will happen if the lockdown is still on?
Will we still be able to enact our plans to have extended family members come and stay to help out? If I let it worry me, this too could keep me awake at night. What about the plethora of other things?
If my mind wanders to all the things I feel have changed or that I've lost in my life like my music career, my social interactions, my ability to walk to town and exercise as an outlet, I could stay permanently worried and awake at night.
Instead, I intentionally choose peace.
I take my night meds (including a sleeping tablet to combat the effects of the pred-wakefulness) and patiently wait for sleep to engulf me. I pray for people as I drift off to sleep. I praise Yah for the things that have happened or I let my mind meditate on verses remembered or lyrics of songs once sung. I imagine I am in Labasa or try and remember what it was like when I lived as a college student in Drummoyne in Sydney two decades ago. When I imagine different scenes from my life it's with a warmth of memory and a feeling of being transported back to a different time in my life. Most times it leaves me feeling grateful.
Don't get me wrong.
I'm no Super-spiritual saint.
I still worry and I grieve.
There is a difference though to me in those feelings and I'm more sensitive to feeling them these days. When I feel like worrying about things outside of my control, I try to draw close to God and ease my mind. If I feel like I am grieving something, I try and allow myself to dig in and peel back the layers of why I am feeling that sense of grief. I allow myself to feel the feels.
And on days like today when I am tired, even bone-tired, I pace and I rest as best as I can.
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